confession

while many would deem this as a form an insecurity, i beg to differ. yeah might look like it seem a little so but i would take it as more of the feeling of fearing-for-the-future-since-i-cannot-always-predict-what-happens-next. hard to take in, i know. in simple terms, one rather stay in the present f it is good rather than to risk a bad future.

yeah i admit i got that fear or feeling or disease or insecurity or whatever you want to call it. well let me explain myself why i feel so.

ever regret things you did or choices you make? ever thought of reversing the time to a time where things were better right before certain steps you take? ever thought about where will you be in exactly a year's time?

these questions flash through my mind time and time again. and yes all these will feed and enhance the fear. i made choices i regret now and probably forever. i really want to relive certain parts of my life. being realistic and taking a break to pause and check, i love my life now and of course i hope this remains or improves but what are the odds of things happening otherwise? quite a bit i guess.

okay that's enough of that weird fear. no worries, this fear isn't a big impact to me. it is rather small but still worth bringing out and talk about it on a personal blog. life's like that. risks are involved. we gamble daily via choices we make. place your bets then cross fingers and hope for the best.

the 'friends'

the number hits me again. i'm turning 20 this year in a couple of months time. in other words, i have lived 20 years. or i have lived by about 16 years of schooling and in NS. to my peers yeah you know too. plus minus the years. nonetheless, we all cannot deny that we only see one type of people. well technically there are many types of people. the changing variable here is solely the heart, the character. today i want to single out the group of people known as friends with inverted commas... 'friends'.

just people love to kill you at the end be it out see it coming or not. however, i think you might find this term rather vague so i further split into three sub-group of 'friends'.

the first group consist of 'friends' are those who always smile and talk nicely to you but when you turn around, you feel a stab in the back. they make use of you and act to gain your favour. they make you think they are nice and all in your presence. however, as soon as you turn, they commit the murder and you won't know what hit you right away.

the second group of 'friends' are those who always smile and hug you but at the same time stab you continuously. they seem happy and always being by your side but you always know there is something wrong for you got murdered. multiple times. they keep on doing so regardless of the amount of flesh you have left. the worst thing is you cannot do anything for they are hugging you.

the third group of 'friends' are those who are trained ninjas who stab you from the back without you seeing their identity for once. you are always just doing your job but somehow some time you will find out you fail unexpectedly. by then you will realised you got stabbed but it was too late.

okay that's about all and yes pardon me for being vague and using indirect means to explain such things. sensitive issue nonetheless part and parcel of today's society. let it slowly sink into you then. thank me later.

i see you got the cushion

ever since i don't know when when hanging out with my family we tend to talk about politics. not exactly the dull politics of various political group throwing shit at one another but other types of politics. family politics. political relationship between the the citizens and the 'upstairs people'.

family politics. these actually concern more on my cousins who are younger than me. young enough to see the there's is a gap and significant difference between their era and mine. correct me if i'm wrong, kids today get better gadgets easily. yeah no one can slow or stop the progress of technology and in turn the entertainment sources. especially with a slightly higher standard of living during the time when the younger ones are born to my time, things like ipad or iphone or laptop or PSP is easily available to kids. all they need to do is open their mouth and wait. somehow parents assist in helping them to ask someone to lend their young ones their gadgets. from a kid's perspective it will seem that whatever they want they can get it just ask their parents. this situation become rather a norm.

political relationship between the the citizens and the 'upstairs people'. admit it, no matter the age, we will tend to complain about anything and everything. from housing prices to sardine-packed transport to high costs of living to social integration. then that is when the 'upstairs people' will try by all means to step in and help. they improved one thing, we find something new to bring up. now probably COE to tax to scandals involving unexpected personnels. yeah the list goes on and on. so will this vicious cycle. we complain and show annoyance while the 'upstairs people' try to feed our needs.

before i carry on, let me be clear that as much as possible i'm trying not to take sides. i just typing out whatever i think is most impressionable. or in other words, listing down things that normal appear as initial impressions. anyhow, i mean not harm nor insult and what not.

moving on, you probably wonder why i bring up these two issues though apparently i talk more than these two big issues with my family. well both are common in something. let's form two groups. group one is the kids of the topic on family politics and the citizens from the topic on political relationship between the the citizens and the 'upstairs people'. group two is the kids' parents of the topic on family politics and the 'upstairs people' from the topic on political relationship between the the citizens and the 'upstairs people'.

if you are fast enough, group one seem to be the one with people always demanding for something to work their way and at times showing annoyance whenever things go otherwise while group two seem to be the one always there to console group two and trying to provide solutions. problem these solutions aren't always going to be there.

let me explain further. imagine one day the kids don't get any form of entertainment and their parents refuse to help them to get what they want. imagine one day the 'upstairs people' decide not to do anything for the citizens and continue working on the country's progress in general. gosh how the kids and citizens will fall and crumble so hard to the ground. just that now group two is serving as a cushion for group one. group one, whenever in times of need, will tend to lean on group 2, the cushion, for comfort.

so what's my main point after all these wordy explanation? well, in life we all got that cushion. it does not matter who you are or how old are you. you sure have that cushion. as sad and cruel as it may sound, this cushion is always a temporary solution. one fine day, it will not exist or probably change. that is the time when you all need to see and learn to straighten that backbone of yours.

no worries, i'm also guilty of having that cushion. cheers to life.